I couldn't help it. Night time was my least favorite time of the day. It was the time of day when there was nothing else to do, nothing to keep my hands busy...nothing to keep my memories at bay. It was worse when I was tired. Fatigue made me weepy, prone to melt downs that would exhaust me. I wasn't one of those girls that looked pretty when she cried; there were no small tears that rolled down my cheeks, no soft sobs or sighs. When my emotions got the best of me, they were almost incapacitating.
That night, after the performance was over, I took care of all the horses and tried to calm my chaotic mind. As long as my hands were busy, the memories stayed away. Like a hungry stray dog, they nipped around the edges of my consciousness, waiting for the first slip. The dampness of my tears on my cheeks were buffeted away by the breeze when they first fell, but as more and more came, the breeze couldn't keep up. Alone, I crawled into the passenger seat of the truck and cranked the radio up. The sounds of a mariachi band should have been enough to steep the flow of salt water coursing down my face, but it was quite the contrary. Jace's voice flowed in my mind, talking to me in spanish, lessons in how to count to 10, simple words and phrases...
The little bit of control I thought that I'd held onto was gone. Time was a swirl. Dad had decided he was sick of sleeping in a trailer and went and got a hotel room for the night, so I didn't have to hide my breakdown from his over concerned eyes. The generator was still humming when I finally woke up, there was no way my black out had lasted more than an hour or two. My arms, legs and back reminded me of the cramped position I'd just subjected them to, and protested quite vehemently as a result. The sky had turned a muted shade of gray, and I sighed with relief that the dawn of a new day couldn't be too far away. With daylight on it's way, I climbed out of the truck. A quick check confirmed that the herd was still safe and sound under their trees, hind feet cocked and eyes drooping. My phone was buzzing with missed calls and messages, but my emotional hangover wouldn't allow for any thing but sleep at that point. My finger found the power button on the side and smashed it down, hearing it power off was all I heard as my head hit the pillow.

My hard work was paying off. Out of 245 horses, my big outlaw had laid down the fastest run of the day. He won the 1D among some fierce competition. We won some cash, and to my surprise, a shiny new belt buckle. It was all a blur...certain moments stood out more than others, but from the time that we pulled into the rodeo grounds to the moment I walked into the office to pick up the check and the buckle, it was all just like a movie stuck on fast forward. Colors, images, sounds--they all just spun through my mind.

The afternoon was hazy, humid even. Thick gray clouds skimmed across the sky as they threatened to pour down an onslaught of rain, but the wind kept them rolling and scuttling back on themselves. My horses were all resting under shade trees, the truck and trailer parked a stones throw from them. Hay nets and water buckets were full, they all stood with a hind foot cocked. Like the seasoned travelers they were, they knew to rest when the opportunity presented itself. My ratty lawn chair made a scraping protest as I drug it from the back of the pickup, as I tugged it free I managed to drag half of the contents of the pickup bed out at my feet. Ropes, snuff cans, water bottles, an extra flag or two- they all laid in an unceremonious heap on top of my toes. I sorted through it all, flung the garbage into an empty bucket and heaved the rest back where it came from. The bucket was emptied into a big orange dumpster, then rinsed out at they hydrant nearby. I could my hair creeping from the grip of the rubber band I'd tried to secure it in early in the day, the humidity brought out what little curl my hair possessed.
The trailer was thoroughly occupied, Dad had been asleep since shortly after he'd watched my run that morning. He'd been happy with how my horse had worked, and since he didn't have to work any performances until that evening, he'd gone and turned the AC all the way down and locked the door. I had a key in my pocket, I could get in if I wanted to but had no desire to sleep at the moment. My mind was a jumble of the past days events, like so many strands of silk thread twisted and knotted into place. I knew I needed some time to work it all out, and was intent to do so as I pulled my chair into the shade of the trees. The horses didn't seem to mind sharing. I used the trash bucket to prop my feet up on as I shaded my eyes with my arms. A breeze jostled the leaves over head, gently lifting manes and blowing tails sideways as it blew. It was like a whirlwind had finally decided to subside; the manic turning of the wheels of my mind started to slow as I exhaled.

It was sprinkling when I woke; the sun was still shining as brightly as before. The wind had picked up a little, the horses had turned themselves to it but were still as relaxed as before my nap. It had to be getting close to 3 or 4 o'clock by now, I was fuzzy from my nap. My back complained a little as I rose from my chair, reminding me that it probably wasn't the most orthopedic sound item for sleeping in.
My phone was blinking in the front seat of the truck, missed calls from mom. A smile found it's way to my face as I scrolled through the missed call list, she'd tried to catch me every hour for the last 3 hours. I knew my dads phone would show as many if not more calls than mine did. She was more forgiving of my missing her calls; she assumed I was being obnoxious and avoiding her. Part of the time she was right, the only reason she called was to be sure we were safe though. I tried not to worry her for no reason, so I dialed the number for her cell phone.

The phone buzzed in my hand as I heard her answer, someone had sent a text message just as my call to my mother connected. She launched into her usual spiel, "Where are you, how are you, is your Daddy OK, are you OK, when you coming home?" I answered each question in turn, smiling at the concern in her voice. She remembered the barrel race at the last moment, and cried when I told her how well it had gone.

Momma was my biggest critic, but she was my biggest fan, too. First to tear into me, she reserved the right to be that biggest critic, but heaven help anyone who tried to take her place. She had been to bat for me countless times since my brother died, mainly at school. I coped just fine in the everyday world, around adults that were mature for the most part. Being thrust into the high school scene just broke me to pieces; kids were just mean. Picking, poking, prodding....all to get a reaction, not caring how much devastation they caused to get said reaction. She had offered home schooling as a way out, but I had declined. If I couldn't handle a little more drama while I finished high school, I didn't see the point of attempting college. The same type of people would always be around, just like dirt on the ground. You could brush them off, but eventually they just end up right back where they were.

My horse felt good this morning, even after the long haul last night. He was the type that was always a little on edge, head up, nostrils flared, looking for an excuse to blow sideways. He was athletic enough that it was a commitment to throw a leg over him, there was no relaxing on him unless he was running as fast as he could through the barrel pattern. That was the only time he truly focused. If I didn't ride him everyday, he'd get to be such a mess that he wouldn't even walk in a straight line. Today though-he was perfect. The long ride had taken a little of his razor's edge away, but he was still sharp. Warming him up was like a dream...he was soft in the bridle, responsive to my feet, but ready to throw his tail up and scatter if I gave him half a chance. I had countless hours of sweat and tears poured into him, and thankfully my hard work was paying off. He had yet to dissapoint me, for all that he was known as an outlaw, he gave me all he had to give any time I asked him for it.

I knew how tough the competition would be, alot of the pro girls had their futurity colts with them, along with their backup horses. A big barrel race like this one was perfect for getting a colt out and getting them exposed to the sights and sounds, and was equally as good to get a feel for how a back up horse was working, whether they were on the top of their game or whether they needed a little tuning. Dad had entered me as soon as he'd heard about it, so I was one of the luck ones to be entered in the first 60 runners. They had limited their entries, they didn't want the jackpot to run long and cause the rodeo to start late that afternoon. The cut it off at 150, but it was still going to be a long day. The rodeo started at 4, which gave me plenty of time to get some sleep as soon as I got done with the barrel race and had Coolie put up and taken care of. It was cool that morning, the breeze lifted my horse's forelock as it blew between his ears. A deep, rolling breath echoed out of his nostrils as he stretched his frame into a long, sweeping trot, his strides reaching a little farther with each step. We only had about five more runners before us, so as we finished a short circle, I eased back into my saddle, dropping my weight and asking for a stop. The big chesnut horse slowed his stride, dropping his head as he rounded his back and brought his hind feet up beneath him. He heaved a big sigh as I stepped off, shaking his head and licking his lips. I cleaned all four feet, checked my polo wraps on all of his legs, cinched him up just a tad tighter, stretched his front and hind legs. He knew the drill...as soon as his feet touched the ground and I was back aboard, he began to dance. Not uncontrollable, not wild, just excited. His pace was just between that of a prance and a short trot, I could feel his heart thumping with each breath he took. As his heart started to speed up, mine did as well.
There was a long alley through the bucking chutes that led to the arena, I gave it a wide berth. My big gelding was explosive after he heard my name called...he knew when it was his time to shine. An unbroken string of words came from my mouth, my voice kept him just distracted enough that he didn't turn and bolt for the alley way. They called the name of the girl ahead of me as I slipped rubber bands around my feet, my horse stepping sideways as he adjusted to my weight. I found a quiet spot along the fence and walked him right up to it, pressing his nose against the vibrant blue pipe rails. Banners flapped against the fence, making a slapping sound when the wind blew just right.
I could hear the other horse's hooves pounding back from the last barrel as he and his jockey made their dash to stop the clock, her voice sounded above the din as she stopped at the gate.
"WHOAH, easy babe, WHOAH now, whoah."
The big black mare threw dirt in ever direction as she slid to the gate, making the gate man wince and shut his eyes against the down pour. The mare sashayed her way out of the alley, looking no worse for the wear. My heart was beating almost as hard as Coolie's now, hammering a staccato beat against my rib cage. I could feel his lungs drawing deeper and deeper breaths, he knew it was time. The announcer called my name, said the arena was clear and the timer was ready. I eased my hands down the reins, knowing every movement, every thought would carry down the leather lines to his mouth. He was a coiled spring beneath me, one move was all it took. I turned my head and he spun under me like a reiner, flat and fluid--we were headed for the alley. He dropped his head lower as I crouched over his withers, trying to balance my self against the jolt of his quest for flight. I managed to hold him to a ragged, bouncing trot half way down the alley, the echo of the speakers ringing off the metal bucking chutes filled my ears as we went.
"GO baby, turn him loose!"
My dads words were a catalyst, like putting a match to a flame-we flew. Down the alley way, his strides getting longer and longer, I pushed my hands forward, giving him as much rein as I could. He felt solid and smooth beneath me, running as hard as he could. The first barrel was less than five strides away, I rocked my weight back and dropped my left hand as my right clutched the saddle horn. He rated at just the right moment, wrapping the barrel so tight I felt the rim burning my knee as we went. A giant stride later we launced for the second barrel, slipping a little as we went into it. I threw my weight forward, trying to keep myself ahead of his momentum, hoping that he could keep going and not go down. His head shot up as he reached to gather himself, never slowing down, lever losing focus on the task at hand. An extra stride was all it took to set himself right, and off for the third barrel we went, closing the distance rapidly. I couldn't feel any difference in his way of going, no hesitation at all, I was afraid the slip may have pulled or strained something, but it didn't seem like it at the moment. The third barrel was gorgeous, almost a text book turn. He gathered himself and pushed off in one smooth motion, leaving the barrel far behind. I asked him for all he had, and he gave it, reaching, digging deeper into the ground, flying past the timer line. I was out of breath when I got him pulled up, he danced and tossed his head as I pulled my hat loose from my head. I could hear clapping and shouting, but had no clue what was going on. I rode over to a quiet spot in the warm up arena, and swung off. Cinches loosened, saddle re adjusted, I began to unwrap his legs. He was quiet again, still breathing a little more rapidly than normal, but his neck was dry to the touch and he showed no signs of the effort he'd just spent. As I took the wraps off his left side and hung them around my saddle horn, I came face to face with my knight and his big gray horse. Coolie felt the same way I did, and let a big hearty nicker out as he pranced in place.
"Fastest time of the day, good job girl!"
"Huh? Are you talking to me?!"
"Yes ma'am, did you not hear them announce it?!"

I felt my cheeks turning red, it was dawning on me that maybe the clapping and hollering had been for me and the big chesnut after all!

I was nervous.

Dad had managed to work me into the stock contractor's string of girls that night, I would be running sponsor flags around the arena in between events and taking them out with the round winners. On top of that, he'd also entered me in the big open barrel jackpot that was supposed to take place just after the slack that morning. Between those two things and my dinner date that I still knew very little about, I didn't know if I was afoot or horseback! I knew carrying flags that night was no issue, if I couldn't ride one of my dad's horses I knew the stock contractor would have one or two good solid horses I could use. On the upside, the flag gig would pay something, and who knew? Maybe I'd be able to pick up some cash from the jackpot as well.

I was glad to be getting a run in the Hawthorne arena, one of the regular season high school rodeos was held there every year. I was anxious to run my horse in the same type of rodeo set up to see how he'd handle the pressure. He'd done well so far, a handful of jackpots around home and some little open rodeos had been good for getting his feet wet to the rodeo world. He hauled great along with my calf roping horse when I took them both, so I wasn't too worried about how he'd feel when we unloaded him. We had four horses with us, Dad's two flag horses, my young barrel horse and my veteran roping horse. We had arrived with just a few hours to spare, enough time to get the horses taken care of then catch a little bit of sleep before starting all over again.

"I been thinkin about you."

His voice was like a warm blanket to my wet, ragged soul that day. I sank into the seat of the truck, listening more to the sound of his voice than his actual words. To say it was a one sided conversation was an understatement, but at the moment I didn't care. He was the bright spot in a dismal day, the light breaking through the clouds. I felt tears sliding down my cheeks as he told me about his day, that he'd spent the day in the rain doctoring sick steers, trying to get his young horses rode and not get his head stuck in the mud. The tears didn't come from anything in particular, I suppose they came from relief at not being asked about my own day. I knew I'd break down if he did ask how things had gone for me that day, and he was the last person that I wanted to let in on the gloom and doom cloud that hovered around me when he wasn't around. His words were still warming me from head to toe, telling me how much he was looking forward to the next time he saw me, how he was excited for this weekend. That snapped me out of my temporary lull, I couldn't remember what this weekend was! I heard him chuckle as he asked if I forgot our first date already, which sent me into a panic.
"No I didn't forget, uhm, I was just testing you," I tried to cover the mental slip as best I could, but it was a wasted effort. His laugh rolled through my ears, it was infectious. I caught myself giggling right along with him, smiling for the first time in what seemed like days. Well, since the last time I'd seen him anyway.

"I'm up in the slack at Hawthorne, your dad said he'd bring you along with him so we could have supper that night," his words were precise, he'd had it planned out for awhile it seemed. It annoyed me slightly that my father had so much of a hand in planning our first date, but on the other hand I was glad for his approval. I knew how hard life would become if Dad decided he didn't like this guy, and I couldn't admit to myself that I didn't want to stop talking to him or seeing, and that scared me a little.

Within the scope of a sentence, my entire week changed. The next morning was an amazing, beautiful experience. I didn't sleep well most nights, but for some reason I'd been able to rest enough that I wasn't so exhausted I couldn't function that morning. The rain had given everything a refresher-the grass was a dazzling emerald, the air had a tangible tang of freshness to it. The sky was touched with tinges of red shot through with a brilliant orange that stretched from on endlessly, erasing any memory of yesterday and the monotonous downpour. A brisk breeze gently rocked my mother's baskets of purple and white petunias on along their perches on our porch, swaying them this way and that with the wind. There were more birds out this morning than I could remember there being in the last few weeks, it was just one of those mornings that was almost surreal. The breeze was so brisk it almost put a chill in the air, and that added to the miraculous freshness of it all. On top of it all, I had something to look forward to. A guy that openly told me how excited he was to spend time with me, that told me how much he liked spending time with me...that my dad approved of. My day was night and day different from the one before.

Where time had rolled as fast as molasses from a cold mason jar the day before, today they flowed as easily as the warm rays of sun that lit my day. My horses caught my mood that day, they were an extension of my excitement. Responsive to the slightest touch, they reacted to my slightest cue before I could finish asking them. Life just seemed right that day, like everything was falling into a place that was more natural than not. Things had been so dark lately with all of the mess over losing Jace and fighting over Juice that I had let myself fall into a rhythm of disappointment and darkness. My knight on the gray horse had truly turned my life around in a span of less than a week, with no more than his sweet words and promises of better days.

It started to rain as I walked to my truck. Not a light rain, not a shower or a sprinkle. It was as though someone had stabbed a hole in the sky, and let all the raindrops in heaven flood out at once. My sweatshirt was soaked before I had my door unlocked; it saturated my already dampened spirit. Our place wasn't far from the high school, so I was home within less than five minutes. I drove past the house and pulled up next to the barn. All four of our horses were standing in one stall, turned against the wind and rain in a huddled mass of horseflesh. The gate to the pen was still open, so I threw hay in each stall and refilled their water buckets. Cleaning stalls could wait, I didn't feel like wrestling with the wheel barrow right at the moment. The sounds of the horses munching hay and shuffling into their stalls went a long way to unwind my nerves, and soon the pressures of the day were an afterthought. I took a clean rag from our big cardboard box and started wiping down bridles. Anything to avoid going to the house and getting the lecture that would be waiting...no doubt the school had called home, they were bad about that it seemed. The slightest thing sent them scurrying to the phone to inform a parent, rarely did I get a chance to deal with things on my own before my mother was alerted to the situation. Realizing I was attempting to clean headstalls that were immaculate to begin with, I put my rag back into the box and walked back out into the rain. The smart thing to do would have been to get back into my pickup, but it seemed too easy. The mud and water pooled around my feet as I stood under the edge of the overhang, making my feet cooler in my boots. It was the first time that entire day that I'd been able to take a deep breath, to exhale without tears spilling from my eyes. My control over my emotions was iron clad most of the time, and I was thankful for that. Standing in the cool air, watching the clouds roll over the hills was almost cathartic. I wasn't sure how long I'd stood there. A trilling noise from my truck brought me out of a daydream, it was that loud. It was a habit, get to school, turn the ringer off. Walk out of school, turn the ringer back up. My day had been such a dramatic episode that I wasn't excited at the prospect of talking to another human being, no matter what the reason, but I dug through my bag until I found it anyway.
I smiled in spite of myself when I read the number that was flashing across the screen; a visit with my knight on the big gray horse was just what I wanted. The sound of the rain pounding the roof of the barn and the sound of his voice in my other ear took me back to that day we'd spent so much time together. I decided the rain might not be so bad after all.

I ducked my head as I felt the hot tears touch my cheeks. Some girls looked cute, even pretty when they cried; I was not one of them. I knew Coach Kyle would want to walk me back to class, he was still waiting on me at the bottom of the concrete steps. How could I explain that I didn't want to smash Kelsi's face in, that there wasn't going to be any trouble from me? Made it hard to believe as the tears slid freely down my face.
"Waylon, I don't know the circumstances. Don't want to get involved to be honest, but I can't avoid it when something happens in front of me."

"Thanks, but I can manage affairs just fine," I tried to brush past him and step back onto the glossy linoleum floor, but he moved to block my path. I sighed and readied myself for one of the pat lectures the other teachers and faculty had given me at different times, a few were of a "self-help" sort, others took the "time heals all wounds" approach. Coach Kyle was different. He'd been here for less than a year, he was fresh out of college working his very first teaching gig.
"This wasn't my business before, but it is now. She has no right to treat you that way, I've heard all the stories that float around about what happened between your families," he still blocked my escape route, and I began shifting around nervously, hoping he wouldn't make me late for my next class. "I'll keep this short. If she comes into my gym and acts like that again, one of two things need to happen. Either you put a stop to her crap, or I will," he said it almost as an offer, like he could right the wrongs of my world with his words. I could feel myself shaking my head before the words came to my lips, the last thing I wanted was anymore animosity between the two of us. Short of packing her and her family up and moving them to the next county, the only thing that could rectify "our" situation was taking Juice back to them. That was not going to happen.
Thoughts swam in my head, which was still shaking from side to side, and then I realized he was talking to me again. His hand on my arm snapped me from my stupor.
"Nikki, don't let her do this to you. You did nothing wrong. Her coach will be making a few stops into the locker room about this time next week, so don't hesitate to come back to study if you need to."
Words escaped me. I made no effort to reply, just stood there and waited for my chance. The second he shifted his weight to make the slightest gap, I hurried through and didn't look back. Things just continued to implode today, and with half a day of classes still to go, I couldn't help but feel a sense of dread. The longer the day went the more tangible it became, until I was physically sick. My head was pounding, I could feel the beads of sweat dampening the back of my neck. In one of my last classes of the day, the intercom squawked to life, drawing the attention of everyone but our teacher.
"Please send Nikki to the office," was all the metallic voice said. All eyes were on me as I gathered my books and slipped through the door. Most of them had heard Kelsi's heated rants by the lockers, she was not happy with me.