I couldn't help it. Night time was my least favorite time of the day. It was the time of day when there was nothing else to do, nothing to keep my hands busy...nothing to keep my memories at bay. It was worse when I was tired. Fatigue made me weepy, prone to melt downs that would exhaust me. I wasn't one of those girls that looked pretty when she cried; there were no small tears that rolled down my cheeks, no soft sobs or sighs. When my emotions got the best of me, they were almost incapacitating.
That night, after the performance was over, I took care of all the horses and tried to calm my chaotic mind. As long as my hands were busy, the memories stayed away. Like a hungry stray dog, they nipped around the edges of my consciousness, waiting for the first slip. The dampness of my tears on my cheeks were buffeted away by the breeze when they first fell, but as more and more came, the breeze couldn't keep up. Alone, I crawled into the passenger seat of the truck and cranked the radio up. The sounds of a mariachi band should have been enough to steep the flow of salt water coursing down my face, but it was quite the contrary. Jace's voice flowed in my mind, talking to me in spanish, lessons in how to count to 10, simple words and phrases...
The little bit of control I thought that I'd held onto was gone. Time was a swirl. Dad had decided he was sick of sleeping in a trailer and went and got a hotel room for the night, so I didn't have to hide my breakdown from his over concerned eyes. The generator was still humming when I finally woke up, there was no way my black out had lasted more than an hour or two. My arms, legs and back reminded me of the cramped position I'd just subjected them to, and protested quite vehemently as a result. The sky had turned a muted shade of gray, and I sighed with relief that the dawn of a new day couldn't be too far away. With daylight on it's way, I climbed out of the truck. A quick check confirmed that the herd was still safe and sound under their trees, hind feet cocked and eyes drooping. My phone was buzzing with missed calls and messages, but my emotional hangover wouldn't allow for any thing but sleep at that point. My finger found the power button on the side and smashed it down, hearing it power off was all I heard as my head hit the pillow.