Friday, March 16, 2012

I shoved my way out of the truck, barely able to stay on my feet. My left leg had been denied blood flow for an undetermined amount of time, so it started to tingle no sooner than I put weight on it. It went from a vague tingle to feeling like needles were skewering my flesh from every angle within a few steps out of the truck. I kept the phone clutched in my hand, like my life depended on it. Dad would be back soon, ready to load horses and try and get home for a few days between rodeos. It was hard to stay on my feet as my legs protested the unwelcome movement, but I dragged myself into the trailer anyway. Knowing the horses were fine put me at ease, along with the edges of daylight that were growing as I looked out the window. The sun's glow grew across the horizon, broadening, brightening as it grew. Slivers of orange, pale yellow, pink and deep red scattered across the sky as the sun itself grew ever higher. Exhaustion was starting to take hold of me, I could feel it to my very bones.

Our time here had been a whirlwind of emotions, literally the highest of highs, and more recently, the lowest of lows. Keeping my emotions in check was an ever evolving battle, I could never tell from one day to the next what a song on the radio would make me feel or think. Getting a handle on my emotions was all that stood between me and a "normal" life. Nothing had been normal since the accident, I wasn't sure if I knew how to be "normal" anymore. Sunshine found it's way through the trailer window as I pulled a sleeping bag up around my ears. Dad wasn't too high on changing and laundering sheets, so rather than having sheets on the mattress, we threw sleeping bags in there and slept in them. As the morning sun warmed my face, I was finally able to shut my mind. A constant flurry of thought finally started to slow, and I welcomed the change. Nothing in the world would bring my brother back, and there was only one solution that I could see to the problem that my family faced. Albeit an unwelcome one at that--I didn't want to think about it. Sleep finally came. Dreams were always vivid, pleasant at times, others, not so much. They were worse when I was tired, they were more realistic then, like a waking dream.

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